a few of my favorite things

Happy Blogoversary to the lovely Alison. She's giving away a package of her favorite things. She asked us to list 10 of our favorite things. This might be hard for me. I'm known to say everything is my favorite. Soooo.

1. Downy Fabric Softener - I don't even use this regularly because I'm too lazy to fill up my Downy ball when doing laundry. But there's not much better than Downy towels fresh from the dryer.
2. Cheese! All kinds of cheese! Especially pepperjack and gouda. Mmm.
3. Reese's Peanut Butter Cups and Kitkat bars. again, mmm. (I shouldn't have done this right before lunch, all I can think about is FOOD!)
4. Impatiens - the one flower I can actually grow and make thrive. They're impossibly hard to kill, and they love the shade. Try it if you don't believe me.
5. Trident Tropical Twist gum. It's close to perfection in a chewing gum. Not for the faint at heart.
6. Flip Flops - all kinds. These are the latest addition to my collection. I *heart* them, so, so comfortable.
7. Red Beer - a little tomato juice + your favorite beer = heaven in a pint glass. Don't knock it 'till you try it.
8. Husker football - Goooo Biiiiggg Reeeeddd. Only 98 days till kickoff. I.can't.wait.
9. Lubriderm lotion with Sea Kelp Extract - I don't know what it is about this lotion, but I love it so.
10. Silpada jewelry - I love it. All of it.

There's my top 10 - what's yours??

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We're off to Chicago tomorrow. We have a shortlist of must-see's but if you have any last minute advice, let's hear it! :) Sunday we're having lunch with Baby Deux - hopefully our husbands won't kill us for our incessant chatter!

I hope you all have a phenomenal Memorial Day weekend. Take a moment to remember those we've lost, who died while maintaining our freedom.

I'm taking my magical thermometer and attempting to temp while on vacation. If i can wake up at 6:35 every day to do so, that will be the miracle.

Have a great weekend!

trying

If you haven't already, please go send Miss Mel some love. She got more bad news today. She's standing strong in the storm, and she's a survivor. But life sucks sometimes.

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I'm having this strange conundrum lately. People are coming out of the woodwork to ask us if we're trying to have a baby. And it's not in an annoying "you two should REALLY try to have a kid" or "will you PLEASE get knocked up so we can take our kids out together" or "I would REALLY love grandchildren" sort of way. It's more like genuine, heartfelt interest in our future plans - "are you guys going to start trying for a baby soon?" or "are little ones in your future?".

If they're the nagging comments I spoke of first, I'm normally like "yeah, maybe sometime" - I lie just to spite them, because they're being SO annoying they don't deserve an honest answer. But I'm struggling with the others, the ones who genuinely care and want to know.

I've always been the "my life is an open book" type - if someone would come out and ask if we were dealing with IF I would spill my guts if for no other reason than maybe to somewhat educate the listener on our situation. But I'm on the fence if they don't really ask. I don't assume they want to know my medical history - yet my true, honest friends IRL always seem super compassionate and concerned when I finally spill the beans.

But IF notwithstanding, I feel very uncomfortable just simply saying "yes, we're trying". I feel awkward. Like I don't want to verbalize it because if I do, it may never come true. More than that, it's just not a normal topic of conversation, and I'm afraid if I say yes, that the conversation will turn into "how long?" or "I had a friend who had a friend who..." and "you just need to relax...".

So it's easier to say "we're not, not trying". Then I smile while they stare at me with a look of "uhh, ok".

But the truth is, we are trying. We're dreaming of ten tiny toes. Of places to put a swing set in our backyard. Of baby names. Of nursery colors. Of how our dogs will react to a kiddo in the house.

So there. I said it. We're trying. To everyone who asks. Yes, we'd like a baby. And if you have any special contact with the Big Guy, sooner than later would be nice. Please and thank you.

cd1

Well the old hag that is AF finally showed up today. Finally. And now I'm in the throes of cramps. Ugh.

Anyway.

I did a wee bit of analyzing my cycles in Excel (because I am a nerd and I *heart* numbers, you can make fun of me, it's ok). A few random bits of info:

• This last cycle was officially 63 days. My luteal phase was 16 days, though I started spotting on luteal day (yes I made that up) 14. So again, hopefully that's within the normal range.
  
• Without question, my non-Provera cycles almost always start on a Monday or Tuesday. Weird, I say.
  
• My average cycle length, not including Provera cycles, is 54.75 days.

So it's off to the races again. I'm going to attempt to temp every day this cycle. Since I finally ovulated this last cycle, I'm feeling a renewed sense of hope. Maybe something will stick this time. I think this will be my last met-only cycle. I love what met has done for me so far (I'm feeling much more normal, I O'd!, and I've lost about 5 lbs) but it might not be the cure-all drug.

So fingers crossed, and head held high. Hoping this is it, for once!

friday update, update

It's really awesome to start the day with a box of peesticks and end it with a box of tampons. Spotting started. CD1 should be tomorrow. Hey at least my luteal phase was exactly 14 days, at least I can do one thing normally. Cycle one with met was 60 days. Hoping for a shorter cycle, ovulation, and a positive peestick the next time around. Is that too much to ask?

Have a great weekend. I have some much-needed catchup time with my husband planned (he was in CA all week). *hugs*

friday update

My temp was 98.01 this morning, but the peestick didn't lie...BFN. Color me confused. I still feel like crap. Maybe these are just the first real PMS symptoms I've ever had, since this I think could be the first real ovulation I've ever had. I'm going to keep watching my temps, I guess there's a chance it could just be too early to test, but I doubt it.

I really, really, really appreciate all the support from the last few days. I feel like we have our own cheering section in blog-land. But don't offer me your condolences, please. Let's be HAPPY that I ovulated. I'm happy with this progress. And I am excited for all the things that one more month of just j and I brings... one more month to sleep in on Saturday mornings, one more month to get to know our niece/nephew who we'll meet in November, one more month to work on our savings/debt reduction plan, one more month.

Now let's just hope that AF comes soon because I want off this rollercoaster. It's CD60 and I think that's long enough. Most of you could be on your third cycle in the same time that I'm still working on my first.

Oh, and a few of you have asked what the higher temps mean. Basically if you're charting your temps and you see a continual upward trend, it could signal pregnancy, as long as you don't have a huge dip in temperature, which could signal AF's arrival. Here is a link with better info.

Have a fantastic weekend!

happy period

No, not my period... keep reading.

GSW update... temp this morning... 98.12. Hmmm. There's that crazy old Hope sneaking in there again. My chart (since May 1st, or CD 45-59, yes today is CD59) looks like this (click to make gigantic):

Yesterday I did feel wretched all day. Not really nauseated but just icky. The gas of doom was back yesterday afternoon. So we wait. I'll update my temp on here tomorrow morning for you inquiring minds, and I will test sometime in the next 72 hours.

**Housekeeping Note**
When, on this continuous timeline of infertility, I do happen to get a positive (knock on wood), there are a few people IRL I need to tell first (namely my husband, but also the friends that read this) before posting. Know that I'm not abandoning ship, and I will be back as soon as I can.

::

On a lighter note, I got this in an email from my cousin today. It cracked me up - maybe it will provide you some comedic relief as well. I don't know if it is real, but it's funny either way.

This is an actual letter from an Austin woman sent to American company Proctor and Gamble regarding their feminine products. She really gets rolling after the first paragraph. It's PC Magazine's 2007 editors' choice for best webmail-award-winning letter.

Dear Mr. Thatcher,

I have been a loyal user of your 'Always' maxi pads for over 20 years and I appreciate many of their features. Why, without the LeakGuard Core or Dri-Weave absorbency, I'd probably never go horseback riding or salsa dancing, and I'd certainly steer clear of running up and down the beach in tight, white shorts. But my favorite feature has to be your revolutionary Flexi-Wings. Kudos on being the only company smart enough to realize how crucial it is that maxi pads be aerodynamic. I can't tell you how safe and secure I feel each month knowing there's a little F-16 in my pants.

Have you ever had a menstrual period, Mr. Thatcher? Ever suffered from the curse? I'm guessing you haven't. Well, my time of the month is starting right now. As I type, I can already feel hormonal forces violently surging through my body. Just a few minutes from now, my body will adjust and I'll be transformed into what my husband likes to call 'an inbred hillbilly with knife skills. Isn't the human body amazing?

As Brand Manager in the Feminine-Hygiene Division, you've no doubt seen quite a bit of research on what exactly happens during your customers monthly visits from 'Aunt Flo'. Therefore, you must know about the bloating, puffiness, and cramping we endure, and about our intense mood swings, crying, jags, and out-of-control behavior. You surely realize it's a tough time for most women. In fact, only last week, my friend Jennifer fought the violent urge to shove her boyfriend's testicles into a George Foreman Grill just because he told her he thought Grey's Anatomy was written by drunken chimps. Crazy!

The point is, sir, you of all people must realize that America is just crawling with homicidal maniacs in Capri pants... which brings me to the reason for my letter. Last month, while in the throes of cramping so painful I wanted to reach inside my body and yank out my uterus, I opened an Always maxi-pad, and there, printed on the adhesive backing, were these words: 'Have a Happy Period.'

Are you f*ing kidding me? What I mean is, does any part of your tiny middle-manager brain really think happiness - actual smiling, laughing happiness is possible during a menstrual period? Did anything mentioned above sound the least bit pleasurable? Well, did it, James? FYI, unless you're some kind of sick S&M freak girl, there will never be anything 'happy' about a day in which you have to jack yourself up on Motrin and Kahlua and lock yourself in your house just so you don't march down to the local Walgreen's armed with a hunting rifle and a sketchy plan to end your life in a blaze of glory.

For the love of God, pull your head out, man! If you just have to slap a moronic message on a maxi pad, wouldn't it make more sense to say something that's actually pertinent, like 'Put down that Hammer' or 'Vehicular Manslaughter is Wrong', or are you just picking on us?

Sir, please inform your Accounting Department that, effective immediately, there will be an $8 drop in monthly profits, for I have chosen to take my maxi-pad business elsewhere. And though I will certainly miss your Flex-Wings, I will not for one minute miss your brand of condescending bull sh*t. And that's a promise I will keep. Always.

Best,
Wendi Aarons
Austin , TX

annoyances

Skip down to the bottom for the GSW update, if you wish...

So I have this annoying situation with a sort-of friend. Mainly I just want to vent, but please tell me if I'm being overly sensitive (entirely possible) and need to let it go. This situation involves a friend; we'll call her L. She's referenced here - she's the first story, the friend from college. Go read that little blurb first, I'll wait, you'll need the background info.

Ok, back? So fast forward to April. She's still pg and due in June. She lives 2 1/2 hours away from me now, so I really don't see her. In fact the only time we talk is on MSN Messenger maybe once every couple months. Towards the end of April she tells me that her sisters-in-law are throwing her a shower on Sunday, May 4th, at 11 am. First, I found it odd that she was the one telling me (I mean isn't that the point of invitations?). But secondly I didn't get the official invite until a week before the Big Day. I already knew I wasn't planning on going - that was the weekend my grandpa was supposed to be in town, and I just plain didn't want to go based on my current lack-of-p-word status. Plus things are more than strained/awkward between us. And she's a very awkward person, so being around her is stressful to me. And it was 11am on a SUNDAY morning, when I would normally be at church.

So in the end, I sent a gift with my friend, M, who was planning to attend the shower. L is a very materialistic person, and I'm quite confident she only invited me for my gift anyway. But I didn't want to be a total b!itch and not send one along. So anyway, M reported back that there was only 4 of our friends there total plus a handful of family. Whatever, L brings this lack-of-participation on herself (see materialistic in the sentence previous) and not many people want to be around her.

Anyway... Monday I get a thank you from her that says "Alison, Thanks for the banket. We can't wait for the baby to arive. J&L". Now first, I do not give gifts expecting a thank you in return, and in this case I would have rather not gotten one at all because after I glanced at it, I got really, well, angry. I had 3 major issues with this "note" - first, the note was so hastily written, she didn't even spell "blanket" or "arrive" correctly. I'm not the spelling police, and it wouldn't be a big deal, but there were only 15 words on it, so there's not many to misspell. Plus it was written SO BIG that you could tell she was just trying to fill space. Secondly, I didn't even get her a blanket - it was a tummy time mat and a rattle thing. I tried to justify it by saying maybe she mixed gifts up, but there were only 10 people at the shower, I don't understand how that could have happened. Third, if you're going to go the expense of a stamp, then why not put a little energy into the thank you, make it a little more heartfelt, and the the giver know you appreciate the gifts. "Love," as a closing wouldn't have been outside the bounds of a friendly note.

Anyway, so I was kind of angry about this whole exchange. I mean yeah I didn't go to her shower, but I told her on MSN that day that I wouldn't be able to make it, so it wasn't like I just ditched out last minute. Plus I sent a freaking gift, which is the POINT of the shower in the first place. I know this friendship isn't one I want to salvage, and I really just need to cut ties and let it go. But it's SO hard. She was someone who quickly became my best friend. We were tweedle-dee and tweedle-dum. I was going to be her maid-of-honor at her wedding, and she would be mine. Instead I wasn't even part of her wedding, and she didn't come to mine.

I get that I'm being a little overly critical about this one thank you note. But I think it's more the culmination of this thing that hasn't been right between us for soooo long, and it's finally coming to the point of no return. And I'm realizing that we're never going to be friends again, we're barely back to acquaintances.

Life is good, I have many, many good friends. Best friends. Blog friends. I don't need anchors like L holding me back. But still, it's so hard to let it go. I'm not sure I know how.

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Temp backed off a little today to 97.85. Still high. Still hopeful. Tummy kind of yuck today, nothing major. No other symptoms.